Dozens of White Park’s most colorful denizens now sleep with the fishes – and their killer remains unknown and at large! The normally idyllic pond was transformed to a killing field last week, with scores of bodies littering the shores. The victims: goldfish.
While it’s not unusual for a few fish to float to shore belly-up after the spring thaw, the sheer volume of dead fish was enough cause for concern for Parks and Recreation Director David Gill to call in the New Hampshire Department of Environmental Services. David Niels of the NHDES Biomonitoring Program explained that the initial concern was that the oxygen levels in the pond were too low for the fish to survive.
“Usually when we see something like this, it’s a dissolved oxygen issue,” Niels said. However, the tests showed that oxygen levels were normal in the pond. As a precaution, the hours of operation for the pond’s fountain (which serves to aerate the water as it runs) were extended, but the oxygen theory bubble was burst.
The next step was to test for toxins in the water, which could have found their way into the somewhat self-contained ecosystem via groundwater runoff. Even something as seemingly innocuous as traces of fertilizer can cause a fatal (to fish, anyway) shift in pH levels. Believe it or not, that test also came back with no red flags (or red herrings). Yet another test for cyanobacteria (commonly known as algae bloom) came back negative, leaving officials stumped.
Niels told us that they plan to run more tests in the near future, but as of now, he just doesn’t know what caused the fish deaths. Neither Niels nor Gill would speculate as to what they thought was responsible. The pond is not meant for swimming or drinking anyway, so there doesn’t appear to be any danger to the public; for now, this mystery seems to be only dangerous if you are a fish. If you see more dead fish washing up on the White Park shore, please call the Parks and Rec department at 225-8690.
So what killed the fish?
Neither the city nor the Department of Environmental Services would speculate – so we did, instead! Here’s a list of possible culprits.
∎ Zombie fish
∎ Choked on change (thanks, Obama!)
∎ Attack duck named Kill Bill
∎ UNH Law students practicing their clammy lawyer’s handshakes
∎ A serial killer fish that only kills other serial killer fish
∎ Faces melted by killer Tweezer jam (oops, wrong Phish)
∎ Accidentally swam in stream of a Dane Cook performance
∎ They tried to realize their dream of becoming fish tacos
∎ Tom Aspell’s propensity for illicit TNT fishing (characters welcome)
∎ Okay, the Insiders may have been trying to save money by bathing in the pond
