Dear Ball & Chain,
I recently moved into a retirement community. My next-door neighbor is my sponsor, a lovely woman who asks me in for drinks and meals and we walk the paths together. The problem is that she's an incessant talker, constant stories about her past, her family, the jobs she did, her aches and pains, and the songs she knows by memory, etc.
I can't go on like this. I can hardly get a word in myself, not even wedgewise. I don't want to hurt her, and I need companionship. Please illuminate me with one of your wacky solutions.
Dear Anxious No More,
What a coincidence – we had the same problem when we moved into our community! We moved next to this terrificly talented woman with such a wide range of accomplishments in the arts world, the music world and much more. To make matters worse, she has a husband who has done even more! They are brilliant musicians who teach and play classical piano. The hubby is a director of professional choirs. They also have a daughter who sings with the Metropolitan Opera and in shows on Broadway, and a grandson who follows in his mother's multi-talented footsteps as well. We never hear the end of all the accolades, awards and endless success stories. Give us a break already!
Our secret? Bourbon. That's right, good old 100-proof Kentucky bourbon. We began inviting them to our place for drinks and introduced bourbon to them. They are hooked. No more aches and pains. No more bragging. Why? They down so many drinks that it gives us time to tell them all about us and our lives; they sit and watch us refill their drinks in great anticipation. They stop talking and listen to us for a change (in between occasional nodding off).
When we go to their place ,we bring frozen bourbon ice cubes, which we slip secretly into their drinks to be sure they will double their pleasure. Now it's our turn tell them all about our lives and successes(?). We're just one happy family . Honestly. Tipsy some of the time, but still one very happy family.
Bill Twibill and
Casper KrAnenberg
Ball & Chain
