The Instigator remains ever vigilant, simply watching and waiting for the next Concord conflict to arrive. The latest problem to deposit itself on our doorstep in a flaming brown paper bag was an age-old dispute: how to stop random dogs from using your lawn as their own personal Port-a-Potty. We received word that lawns 'round Concord were becoming bespotted by the dogs of so-called neighbors.
The Instigator's first instinct was to blame the lawn-owners. What is it about your lawns that makes those dogs want to drop their dookies? Is it the shade of green? No, dogs are colorblind; that can't be it.
Naturally, the blame was next passed to the dogs themselves. Control yourselves, mutts! People's nicely cultivated lawns are not yours to befoul. And shouldn't you be burying it afterwords like you would a bone?
After going to several kennels and yelling at a bunch of dogs, the Instigator started to realize that dogs don't speak English, because they are dogs. That's when it dawned on me: People who own dogs have entered into a social contract requiring them to control the animals while in public. If a person pooped on your lawn, would that be all right? Well, a dog is merely an extension of its owner. By allowing your dog to potty on someone else's lawn, you're basically pooping on the lawn yourself. And what's your excuse? You're not a dog; simply making puppy dog eyes is not going to get you off the hook here.
In the words of the great Larry David, “The dog without the bag is incomplete. It's a marriage. The dog and the bag.” If you feel uncomfortable about having a plastic-encased doggie doo-doo squelch through your fingers on a daily basis, you better get potty-training. Simply allowing your dog to go willy-nilly on others' lawns is not acceptable.
