We here at the Insider recently got our hands on a copy of the rules and regulations for the city cemeteries, and boy, let us tell you, some of the rules are pretty stiff. If you had big plans to get buried with your favorite taxidermied parakeet Petey, you’d better think twice. Non-human beings need not apply for burials. And you know that picnic you were planning next to Franklin Pierce’s grave when the snow melts? Well, forget about it. According to the ordinance, refreshments of any kind are barred from the cemetery (Sorry, homies, pouring forties for your lost brethren is strictly prohibited).
Here are a few of the rules and regulations we found amusing:
– Expecting the city to take good care of your gravesite once you’ve passed is reasonable, but before you sign your life away to one plot, you should know some things just aren’t covered: The city “distinctly disclaims all responsibility for loss or damage beyond its reasonable control, and especially from damage caused by the elements, an act of God, common enemy, thieves, vandals, strikers, malicious mischief makers, explosions, unavoidable accidents, invasions, insurrections, riots, or order of any military of civil authority.”
– No motor car, vehicle or animal shall be driven across or upon any grave, lot or lawn nor parked or left thereon.
– No person shall be permitted to have refreshments or lunches within the cemetery.
– No loud talking shall be permitted on the cemetery grounds within hearing distance of funeral services. So keep it down.
– Contractors should refrain from approaching grieving family members in the graveyard with offers of services: Approaching the bereaved and soliciting memorial business within the cemetery is not permitted.
– No interment of any body, or the cremated remains of any body, other than that of a human being, shall be permitted in the cemeteries.
– Removal, by the heirs, of a body or cremated remains so that the plot may be sold for profit to themselves, or removal contract to the express or implied wish of the original plot owner, is repugnant to the ordinary sense of decency and is absolutely forbidden.
– The city is not responsible for lost, misplaced or stolen vases.
– The following items are specifically prohibited from the graveyard: shells, toys, metal designs, ornaments, chairs, settees, and marble chips. Window boxes, pots, glass jars, etc. are allowed either, “except for one week before and one week after Memorial Day. No artificial flowers are allowed from April 1 through Nov. 1.”
THE INSIDERS
