Concord is a fine place to have a film festival. It’s also a fine place to have a deli tray festival, but apparently the International Veggie Platter Federation thinks otherwise. Racine, Wis., you will pay for your delicious treachery! But we who have been shut out of that exciting world must put our bitterness aside, like a poorly stored mini tureen of onion dip, and take comfort knowing that good movies are harder to come by than overly chewy baby carrots and room-temperature celery.
Now I admit, my track record on movies has been a little spotty. Yes, I am the guy who once mistook Steven Seagal’s “Marked For Death” for Scorsese’s “The Last Temptation of Christ.” And I did write and direct a kung fu epic in which high school students who knew no martial arts “fought” for control of the A/V storage office. I was once at a party with a bunch of film critics and told them about my dream of writing a buddy picture starring me, Hugh Laurie from “House” and a robotic Sammy Davis Jr. as traveling karaoke stars; I’m told they’ve offered Peter Travers of Rolling Stone $10,000 to break my legs.
I make no excuses for my behavior (although in each case I remember the veggie platter was somewhat thin), but really, aren’t these minor crimes on Hollywood’s scale? Is there no room for a broken man to try to redeem himself and his artistic reputation? Kevin Costner made “Waterworld” and you gave him a second chance, so why not me?
And besides, I’ve got ideas you film festival types will love. Here are a few of my 30-second “elevator pitches,” which I practiced while riding the elevators at the hospital a couple hours a night. It’s not like any sick people were using them!
– “The Bananaphone Sanction.” Children’s singer Raffi is waist-deep in intrigue and mystery when a rogue double agent known as “Baby Beluga” tries taking control of the world’s supply of board books for toddlers. He teams up with an FBI agent (played by troubled star Lindsay Lohan) and goes looking for a word that rhymes with “beatdown.” I’m open to doing this as anime.
– “Virusquest.” Remember bespectacled Peter Norton, the anti-virus crusader? Ten years ago he was on every software box in the country, but his legend is starting to fade in the world of smartphones and data packages. I suggest we make a biopic about him, only he’s an actual crusader in the Middle Ages, fighting dragons controlled by Whoopi Goldberg of “The View.”
– “Throwing Donuts At Robin Williams. ” Looking for a wacky new bromance? Paul Rudd plays a competitive eater who’s also competing for the affections of Katherine Heigl. His rival? Former nightly news anchor Tom Brokaw! Katherine says she won’t even look at a guy who’s never pelted Robin Williams with breakfast, so the two guys head out on a hilarious road trip that teaches us about life, love and food.
I can tell you more about any of these ideas – here, just hop onto the hospital elevator and we’ll talk. Don’t mind those paramedics, they can take the next one. Would you like a piece of broccoli?
